Monday, April 18, 2005

Seen on a BBS: D&D Top Tens

Top Ten Bad Guy Bumperstickers:

10. Quasit on Board
9. Proud Parent of a Black-Hearted Iron-Fisted Tyrant
8. How's My Pillaging? Call 1-800-FOR-EVIL
7. Choose Unlife
6. I Brake for NOTHING!
5. Hades Is Lord
4. Save the Planet - FOR ME!
3. Caution: Vehicle Makes Wide Burning Swaths Through Non-Capitulating Villages
2. I <heart> My Hellhound
1. My Other Steed Is Also a Nightmare

Top Ten Adventurer T-Shirts:

10. Rangers Do It With Both Hands.
9. Druids Are Always Packing Wood.
8. Barbarians Do It Until They Drop.
7. Monks Do It Over and Over Again.
6. Blackguards Do It 'Til It Hurts.
5. Rogues Do It With Skill.
4. Wizards Do It By The Book.
3. Paladins Do It The Right Way - Every Time.
2. Bards Do It With Their Mouths.
1. Assassins Do It From Behind.

Top Ten D&D 4th Edition Monk Abilities:

10. Snatching Very Small Objects From Open Palms (Open Palm Snatch)
9. Sunder Horizontal Wooden Boards
8. Aerodynamic Scalp
7. Open Palm Wax
6. Squatting Potty Stance
5. Speak Philosophic Gibberish
4. Age Gracefully
3. Catch Normal Insect With Chopsticks
2. Hit Things Lots and Lots of Times
1. Secret One-Finger Sign of Disrespect

Top Ten Prestige Classes That Didn't Make It:

10. Pastry Chef
9. Goblin Sage
8. Ooze Wrangler
7. Greatsword Swallower
6. Verminator
5. Blind Pacifist
4. Polka Shadowdancer
3. Halfling Treasure Guardian
2. Haiku Warrior
1. DM Slayer

Top Ten Worst Opening Lines When Confronting the Lord of Darkness in his Lair:

10. Got a light?
9. You don't scare me.
8.'re not Orcus.
7. Surrender peacefully and you'll not be harmed.
6. Wanna buy a magazine subscription?
5. You could've picked the place up a bit if you were expecting company.
4. What is that smell?!
3. Yow! You are seriously uuuuuuugly!
2. Best two out of three?
1. I thought you'd be taller.

Top Ten Halfling Battlecries:

10. They have food!
9. Last one into enemy territory does the dishes!
8. Bugger this for a lark!
7. Bite their ankles!
6. Your wives and kids are waiting for you at home!
5. Those pockets look heavy!
4. Didn't ANYone bring a weapon?!
3. Wake up!
2. Stop crying and run that way!
1. Not the face!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Jack Chick on Vampire vs. D&D

Not being a Vampire or D&D player, I still find this comic pretty damn hilarious.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

"Overdone concepts."

I read Matt Snyder's blog today and got to hear there about what's going on on the Forge, which I haven't found myself keeping up on, even a little bit lately. Matt reported the following Ron rant:
I've had it with games in which the characters are specially-powered in any way whatsoever.

And yeah, I wrote games about sorcerers, magical elfs, and tall babes with horns on their heads. That's done with.

No more. People in situations, from now on.
Matt was sympathetic to this rant. I'm not. I have no use for people telling me what is and isn't "overdone," especially people who have themselves already done the things they now consider "overdone."

Smells too much like the stoner who grows up and tells his kids that they shouldn't do drugs, to me. "Yeah, I thought it was cool before, but now I know better -- now that I don't feel like doing it anymore, I can see that it's not cool at all."